Review: The Heartbreak Kid on DVD

The best part of this movie is that it is an adult comedy. In a time where the film industry is dominated by family movies that rarely appeal to me its good to see a movie where they dont feel the pressure to censor a script and remove such gem's as "fuck me like a black man". Unfortunately that is probably the best line in the whole of the movie.

Im getting pretty fucking sick of Ben Stiller flicks in which the premise of the film is anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and then he fixes it at the end. They are going to do this formula to death, or they already have. This is Along Came Polly with more cursing and references to cocks. Oh it does get extra points for the graphic sex scenes.

One other thing bothered me about this movie. Some how Carlos Mencia managed to do the worst mexican impression I have ever seen. I could do a better job, and be funnier. I just think that if you are a mexican you should be able to pull off a mexican role. Jack Black was a more convincing mexican in Nacho Libre. Thats all Im saying.

Still it wasn't a complete waste of time, its a good rent for a couple in the mood for a silly movie.

3 cock me's out of 5 (remember bonus points for seeing Mailin Akerman 's fine breasts, and because the IMBD lists pubic hair as a plot keyword.)

Review: I Am Legend

I didnt think it was possible for Will Smith to make a movie I actually wanted to see. What else can I say but the Fresh Price is back. This is probably going to be best movie of the holiday season, though Im crossing my fingers for Aliens Vs Predator to really blow me away. The movie was short, which if it was long it didnt seem like it. The plot was a bit predictable but they did a good job of keeping it tense. There are lots of moments which make you jump which for me was a bit unexpected, never really a poo your pants kind of scare but enouph to keep you paying attention. The ending of the book probably wouldnt go well with mainstream audiences, which was the purpose of the title so it loses a point for that. Wikipedia I am Legend for more info. All and all good entertainment.

3 Old Yeller Moments out of 5

Judas moment of the week

So this week I finally did it. I purchased the Playstation 3. I sold my soul to Sony. It was really inevitable.

Top 5 reasons I sold out

1. Blu-ray player - I need HD, standard def is just fugly.
2. Ratchet and Clank - Such a good franchise
3. Empty space on my entertainment center was driving me nuts
4. SNNNNNNAAAAAAKKEEEEEEEE. MGS will be sweet.
5. Why the fuck not. I'm addicted to video games and I make good money, why not have the holy tri-force of gaming hotness (wii, xbox, and ps3).

My experience has been pretty good with it so far. I must say that there is a noticeable difference in graphics, they are better looking its just the facts (for first party games). The system has an odd operating system which is kind of clunky. You have to install games and demo's before you can play them which is just sort of a pain. The whole thing is a lot less user friendly than both the wii and xbox 360, but it feels like it has opportunities for more than gaming to go down for those 1337 enough to get them to work.

I will most likely be continuing to play most cross platform games on my 360. This is because they more often than not run better on the 360 and also have achievements. I'm addicted to achievements. PS Home is promising some sort of 3-d trophy room that may one day trump achievements, but its not here yet. My wii will continue to collect dust.

Look forward to PS3 reviews shortly (I'm playing Heavenly Sword now).

Hockey Rules

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Im sorry but I have the best gamer pic ever.

Review: Mass Effect

This game has the most appropriate name ever. This is because it will massively effect your social life, and when I say massively effect, I mean ruin. Its the kind of game that's hard to pause and greet your fiance when she comes home from work, so she gets pissed at you (hint: This is no time to be a renegade). There are no black holes in this game but I feel as if it sucked all of my free time away. 30 hours later and I'm giving another play through. This game is why I haven't been posting much, sorry bout that.

With that said, this game is awesome. I'm calling it right now, best game of the year.

The Universe: Not too many games give you a sense of accomplishment like this game. It does in fact make you feel like a universe saving bad ass. In order to do this they must have spent a ridiculous amount of time building this universe. So many different races to learn about. Not to mention that every planet in the universe has at least paragraph long data file. All that work and I maybe read one, but its still impressive.

The Graphics: Ill be honest this is not the most amazing looking game every (its not gears). What they do amazing and better than any other game is the characters. Humans look human for once. This is important because what drives this game is interacting with the various peoples and crazy aliens whilst saving the universe.

The Game Play: This game is mostly about digging into the story and exploring. Its got combat which is pretty solid without being perfect. It has a Gears-esc cover system. The combat gets better as your level increases so just be patient with it. If you want to play a shooter this is not the game for you. This game is like watching a long movie, a very long movie. But the fun part is talking to people and making dialog choices which sort of change the outcome of the game. I suggest bring the big Krogan alien along because he likes call people bitches a lot and its funny. Also you will spend quite a bit of time trying to nail hot alien broads (hint: be a jerk to the consort).

The minor details: Its not a perfect game (no game is perfect). The things I would like to see them work on in the sequel are as follows.

• All the planets look the same with different color. While its probably pretty accurate of the "real" universe it just gets boring exploring when everything looks the same. And driving the mako around is not super entertaining, I spent a lot of time shooting into the distance out of boredom. If I invest this much time in a game I'd rather not spend it driving from point a to point b.
• The graphics look awesome but sometime it takes awhile for textures to load, which is really a minor thing. It some what takes you out of the experience if it happens a lot.
  
• The character creation system was useless because the default character looks way better than the retards you make.
  
• Could use some more banging of hot aliens. Where is the three titty alien from total recall?
  

Minor issues, really this game is awesome.

5 banged asari bitches out of 5 (hint: Asari are the hot aliens).