Review: Super Mario Galaxy

To be honest I could only really play this game for 30 minutes. In that time I got a decent idea of the overall plot, game play, and the co-op aspects of the game. I could only play this game for 2 reasons. Reason one is that the game made me physically ill, running around on little orbs messes with your head. I felt like an old man at a six flags, nauseous and trying to get to a park bench.

The second reason is the very reason why I feel like I'm done with Nintendo games not involving f'ed up rabbits or shaking a ants off of a banana. The game is retarded. The story behind the game is just not up to par for what modern games should be. I felt like I was wasting my time trying to save these sad little star shape things, they were so pathetic. I am in the midst of playing 2 other games right now, Assassin's Creed and Mass Effect. These games are the epitome of what games should be. They have great gameplay with epic stories that are very intriguing. Granted Mario for kids, but during a time where video games are pushing to be considered art Super Mario Galaxy is a back step. This game is being reviewed as if its the greatest game ever. This is a solid platformer with some great visuals (for the wii), the best game of the year it is not.

1 how do you really feels out of 5

Review: Beowulf

This movie made me want to run around and scream "I AM BEOWULF" and then poke people in the eye. The best part of the movie is definitely the 3-D. If you cant go see this movie in 3-D then don't go see it.

My favorite scenes are the ones in which Beowulf is screaming at the top of his lungs and shanking things. It was just done in a hilarious over the top manor. When he fights Grendel naked the scene plays out like its out of an Austin Powers movie, except instead of Elizabeth Hurley there is a disfigured giant glob of poo man (Grendel). I feel that much of this movie was inspired by 300. But Beowulf is no King Leonidas.

The animation in the movie was fantastic. They did a really good job on beards. I think they may have had a meeting that went something like this
"hey we are good at beards"
"you're right, I think we need more of them"
"yes, beards all around. Everyone in beards"
"what about the women"
"well we can make up for the women by giving old men hairy noses"
"HOORAY!"
------ end scene----


Many people are talking about Angelina Jolie's naked scene like it was something special. Honestly she was the worst animated character in the film. She looked plastic and more like a barbie doll than a sexy serpent. I still got half a chub tho. I really wish they spent half the time they spent on animating Grendel on Jolie.

Go see this in theaters in 3-D. I expect the DVD to sell poorly.

3 giant mugs of the finest mead out of 5

Review: Carcassonne

So I guess Xbox live has turned 5 years old and to celebrate they gave out free downloads of Carcassonne the game. I don't really know how to pronounce it but like playing the game Im sure its not worth the effort of figuring out. Also when I googled images for "Carcassonne Xbox live" the second choice that came up was this crazy angry looking asian. It reminded me of how I felt after playing this game for 20 minutes and wasting my life. I also felt like peeing in someones coke. NOOOCCHH.

2 angry asians out of 5.

Review: Puzzle Quest

What do you get when you cross Bejeweled with orcs, goblins, elves and other fantasy shit. No not this crazy looking Bull-sheep man. You get Puzzle Quest! Well doesn't that sound super exciting. Well I was sick and very immobile, which was a great opportunity to catch up on some games. So I plopped down some of my extra microsoft points which may or may not represent real money (mostly because I cant figure out the conversion rate, it gives me headaches). This is actually a pretty fun game. I remember playing bejeweled for hours and that game really has no point, this game basically attaches a story to an otherwise pointless game. Playing it is sorta like going on a crack binge you just start arranging jewels and then you wake up 5 hours later in your own feces and urine with a horrible headache and a sore butt-hole. After I battled a giant rat for the umpteenth time I got a little tired of the whole story they tried to weave into it. Maybe if it had less zombie trolls and gay looking elves and more robots and explosions it would have kept my attention a little longer. The only thing holding this game back is that it takes you forever to get anywhere playing it. While it doesn't really belong on my big screen HD tv, might be fun on a hand held. I would definatly recommend it for the nintendo ds because it would be great for a long trip, just remember to wear a diaper.

3 I cant think of anything clevers out of 5

Review: Call of Duty 4 Modern Combat

Wow this game is crazy awesome. Hands down the best graphics on the xbox360. It runs at a buttery 60 frames per second and I cant remember seeing a single hiccup in the entire single player campaign. You get to shoot both russians and a-rabs, which is fun an also sort of racist, which is alright with me I guess, I suppose before long you can probably buy games in the middle east where you get bonus points for shooting American soldiers in the head. Back to the game, there are some very bad ass cut scenes, when the nuke goes off you will get goosebumps. Then you fucking die, which was awesome, more games should kill off the main character in a such a classy badass way. The campaign was short but it was full of very cool moments that make it memorable and worth playing through again if you have the time. The AI in the game is also very good and makes the game a good challenge on the higher levels.

The multiplayer is actually halfway decent. They incorporate a ranking system that unlocks bonuses for playing it longer. On the plus side you have a lot less whining 11 year old kids running around with a fondness for the N word (halo 3 anyone?) and for some reason I was playing with a bunch of Englishmen and some Germans (who no doubt are loving a call of duty game with less Nazi killing).

4 frag outs out of 5

Review: The Simpsons Game

IGN called this game the funniest Simpson's episode in years. And they are right mainly because I didnt relize that the simpsons was still airing new episodes This game is another part of the mass whoring of the franchise, with the movie and the McFarlane toys and the Simpsons donut making machine. Ralph Wiggum is in it which is a plus because he is the greatest Simpson's character evar! The homer ball is a lot of fun to use, because making fun of fat people is fun. Thats about it for the good stuff.

And now for the bad part, the games camera is the worst I've seen in years. Kind of hypocritcal considering the games penchant for poking fun of video game cliches. For some reason it nearly impossible to aim at anything using their horrible targeting system, used mainly for Bart's slingshot. When your not fighting with the stupid camera or shooting rocks at the wall because YOU CANT SHOOT BECAUSE THE FUCKING CAMERA AND THE JUMPING AND THE RYU"S KEEP HITTING ME! IM NOT MAD IM NOT mad. Im calm.... Im calm. Well the gameplay is sub-par at best. All it really boils down to is that you run around collecting things that you think will power you up which sorta leaves me feeling cold and empty inside, which is to say that it's not very rewarding. Like I dont have anything better to do than send a baby into a pipe to fetch me #6 of 75 25 cent coupons, I mean seriously. Also the game is super easy, you cant really die, and Im pretty sure a retarded crackheaded lemur could do the puzzles. The games wit however helps you forget the downsides for a bit, until that fucking RYU shoots you 2 million times. The writing staff saved this one from being totally horrible.

Really, unless your a Simpsons fan don't bother. The damn A holes at EA tricked me into thinking that this would be a good Simpson's game, but it just isnt.


2 I didn't realize how much I hated this game until I wrote the reviews out of 5




Yes even this Lemur can solve the puzzles in The Simpson's Game

Review : Darjeeling Limited

To make this easy if you dig Wes Anderson flicks then you are undoubtedly going to dig this one. However the odd dialog and slow pace make it hard to recommend to most people. While I certainly liked The Life Aquatic much better because of the more humorous plot and awesome soundtrack, this movie was enjoyable and short. (Tiff liked this better than Life Aquatic). There is really no point to the film and there certainly is no climax, its more of a brothers coming to age and dealing with the death of their father. I was hoping for more hi jinks on the train but I guess it wouldn't fit into the tone.

Also it gets bonus points because of the short film in the beginning you get to see quite a bit of Natalie Portman's bare ass ( even though her body is all bruised up for no apparent reason, which kinda ruined it for me).

3 sweet lime girls out of 5

I love the Power Glove, Its so Bad

Super Mario 3 hit the virtual console today so I thought I would share my favorite scene from that really long Nintendo commercial better known as the Wizard.

Review: Tony Hawk's Proving Ground

Total elapsed play time of this game came in around 30 minutes. After having played Skate I was already all Skateboarded out. This series just didn't do it for me this year. I think it may have peaked back with THPS 3 when I got to skate as Wolverine. That was bad ass when you could flip the board up and then cut into it with your sweet claws and it was all "snikt" because that's the noise it makes when wolverine puts his claws out. What was I talking about?

2 weren't the graphics better in project 8's out of 5.

Review of the Day: Cookie Crisp

Cookie Crisp is awesome.

5 out of 5 Upside down hats. (whatever that means).

Guitar Hero 3 Broke My Back

For those about to rock I salute you. I must warn however that prolonged exposure to the latest installation of the Guitar Hero franchise may cause you bodily harm. Maybe I'm getting old but this is the most physically demanding game I have ever played. Fuck DDR , this game will give you carpel tunnel syndrome, spinal bifida, and a sciatica. After a 3 hour gaming marathon my wrist and thumb hurt. Several days later my back began to ache every time I played. Then at work I took a funny step and now my back aches terribly. I may never be able to rock peoples faces off ever again.

What mostly bothered me about this game is the constant fan boy complaining about this games corporate sponsorship. People need to get over in game sponsorship. Games are becoming more and more mainstream and as this happens publishers and developers will find new ways to help fund their projects. The only thing that sucks is having to buy the stupid branded guitars to get an achievement. But this is guitar hero its not like they are trying to get historical accuracy. You wont see a guy in a metal of honor game offering you some Stride Gum, though he probably should be smoking some Lucky cigarettes. Bottom line is that in order for the game industry to thrive they need to see new revenue streams to help keep the industry growing. 10 years ago a game like guitar hero would not have been possible because of the peripheral. So shut your faces before I rock them off.

Update: Never Play Guitar Hero, it is bad for your back.

4 out of 5